On Insomnia

I'm sitting up playing solitaire right now, when I should be in bed. I do this even though I'm tired, even though this will hit me at some point tomorrow as sheer exhaustion. Last night I was up even though I was so tired that I almost burst into tears.

In part, I do this because as soon as I lay down, I'll start to compile endless lists: of things I've done wrong, of things I should do tomorrow, and on and on. But I've lived with that for years, and have learned to ways to control that. The thing I haven't learned to control is the dreams.

You see, part of this urge to stay up long past my bed time is because I don't remember my dreams when I'm sleep deprived. And quite frankly, I like life better when I don't.

Last night, for example, I dreampt that a close friend of ours had died. Now, in my real life, I usually deal with death fairly calmly. But in this dream, I was simply devastated by this loss. Early this afternoon, I suddenly remembered the dream, and a wave of dream-grief washed over me. I think I'd rather have the fatigue.