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I've been trying not to mention how much life has grown beyond my capacity to cope with it. I tell myself I don't want to be a whiner, but the reality is that to write about it, I'd have to acknowledge it. Denial's not just a river in Egypt and all that.

In any case, in a nutshell: Pukka and I will both be losing our jobs before the end of year, courtesy of our employer shutting down our call center and retreating to their home office. Since September of last year, Pukka's been dealing with significant back pain. This has affected so much of our life it's not even funny -- certainly his physical health, both our emotional healths, our finances, our ability to get the damned lawn mown so we don't look like the trashiest house on the block, etc., etc.

We spent the last week on the coast in Virginia with my family, swaying with the waves, tasting her saltiness. For most of that time, I put all the stress away. The last two days, I started to dream frustrating dreams about fruitless job searching. Yesterday we came home, and I could almost feel the tension settle back around my shoulders, constricting my chest. In a strange way, it's not unwelcome. At least I know it. At least it's a truth of a kind.

Friday before we left out, we found out that our employer's motivated to get rid of Pukka sooner rather than later. They're denying him further leave, so the next time he needs to take a day off, he'll most likely be terminated. They also converted most of last week's vacation to unpaid leave for him, putting us even further in the hole than is usual these days.

Still, it's good to be home -- good to have kitties brush against our legs and rub their warm, fuzzy bellies. It's good to see that the heat hasn't gotten the best of most of my plants yet. Good to be back to just me and Pukka, without all my beloved family floating along with us. More than anything, this is the way I know he's good for me, that we're meant to be together -- that I value time spent alone with him more than time by myself.

It's good to be home.